BIG ONE’s blog

Yes...I was an aquaintance of the gorgeous milkmaid.  She had the total package!  Inner beauty...quick wit...VERY smart...and an outer beauty that glowed! And....she had milk.  Is this the only reason I was drawn to her?  Well....initially. But after getting to know her...I was drawn to her very essence.  I was drunk in her words....if she had demanded that I forsake all and come to her I don't think I could have resisted. She was a goddess.  She was beautiful. She was smart! She worked as a massage therapist on the side. She was my friend......or so I thought.  She has moved on now. I truly miss her. So much so that the milk doesn't matter. It was nice...but it only added to her mystery!

My heart hurts.....I considered her my friend.....

"There is nothing new under the sun..."  It seems that staus quo is now an absolute norm.  Albeit...I have friends here I have not heard from.  Their latest claim is that they have been busy...  We do tend to be busy with a lot of nothing most of the time.  The world is speeding up and we are just along for the ride it seems.  We all say we should slow down and enjoy things more....oh but were that possible!  As the harmonic frequency of the earth is accelerating....so are our frequencies.  If we don't we won't make it.  Enlightenment is coming...most will not be ready and will not survive the change.  Those that do survive will find many conveniences no longer available. It will definitely be different...not impossible or unbearable.... so much as different.  Some who survive the change...won't survive the post change conflicts.  Yes there will be conflicts...they will be readily resolved and peace will reign supreme.  It will be different. 

Yet....enlightenment is not for everyone....is it?

....but only by people that I try to show kindness to.  I am not an easy person to be friends with.. and I accept that.  It is rare for me to attempt to extend kindness to anyone...much less someone I don't know all that well.  It leaves me feeling vulnerable.  Making friends is hard for me...especially since there are many types of friends...most of which are really just acquaintences. You know the type...work friends...church friends...the people you see day in and day out with whom you exchange pleasantries....the people you met and chat with online.....these are all really acquaintences.  But you can never have too many as some could turn out to actually be a good friend someday. Too often we only extend kindness to those that appear pitiful from our perspective.  Sometimes however....we try to be kind just to be kind....that's when I hate to be ignored.  But I suppose those that ignore have their reasons....though it would be nice if they would share!  I must practice patience I suppose.  I am here when you need me.....

OR SHOULD I JUST GET THE HINT?

Vertigo

As luck would have it, I have been stricken with peripheral vertigo.  Both inner ears have shut down and the only balance mechanism I have is strictly by sight and feel. (i.e. the feeling in the bottom of my feet).  The darker my surroundings...the worse it is to get around.  No motion sickness....just the wobbles. This started in August 2006 and I walked like a staggering drunk for 3 months.  If you ever saw the Blair Witch Project...that is how I saw things when I was dead still. The doctor told me it was allergy related and that I needed allergy shots. CRAP! Well after 14 months of weekly shots...it is almost gone.  There are days when it seems worse...but they are fewer in number as time passes.  It has certainly been a wild ride. I was walking around and by looking at how the landscape was jarring about...it was as if I was stoned...yet no buzz. That really sucks!  But as the days go by...it gets better and I have been told by "experts" that after 18 months of shots...I will see a significant difference.  Well that will be just in time to try to play a little golf.  Haven't been able to swing a club since this has happened. Wish me luck!

Being lonely sucks. Being married and lonely is hell on earth. Why? Married and lonely segregates you from the population. Oh! Your married!  Really tired of hearing that one. Many people will agree that a person in this situation should do something.  Why not get a divorce?  I didn't say I don't love my wife. I do...with all my heart.  Discounting that fact, that appears to be a paradox, I made a promise. Remember? Better or worse...sickness and health....? Today's young generation has no concept of keeping a promise.  At least I have a little integrity left. However fleeting it may appear. It seems the harder I try to reach a reasonable point of satisfaction....the further away it is. The mountain gets higher as you climb it.  Someone save me!!  Is ther anybody out there........?

"And in the naked light I saw

Ten thousand people, maybe more.

People talking without speaking,

People hearing without listening,

People writing songs that voices never share

And no one dare

Disturb the sound of silence."

In all that we do, in all that we say, we are most timid in our fears. We no longer know how to desire, to fulfill....

We must learn to know what we want AND to speak up, if only for the moment. The power of the universe awaits our most feeble pleas.  Pathetic it is....that we will not achieve that which we desire. Enlightenment is not for everyone!

Is it wrong to desire to be satisfied?  Although this is a relevant condition, based on the individual.  Can one expect to find someone willing to participate, cooperate, and satiate?  Is there ever truly a no strings attached situation?  So many questions.  Shouldn't we be willing participants in the satisfaction of others?  We use too many excuses toward avoiding what it is that we really want, even if it is only for a moment. Does satisfaction always include sex? Is oral satisfaction considered sex? Yes there are many questions, yet we don't really ask for fear of the answers. The truth is out there....Seek and ye shall find...  Enlightenment is obviously not for everyone.

After years of near solitude, I have decided to break out and view life in a different way.  I have always had a few acquaintances, but never many friends.  True friends are hard to come by.  I have determined to move in small steps.  I plan to increase the number of acquaintances that I have. For it is from such a collection that real friendships are formed.  It will be hard, as many people don't operate on the same plane that I do.  I am not implying I am a high IQ individual, socially inept, or a social deviant. These are all relative terms anyway.  I am quite conservative about many things, yet very liberal concerning others.  Am I a "moderate"?  Once again, all relative terms.  I simply know what I like when I see it. Now the goal is to obtain what I like.  Enlightenment is not for everyone.  Many changes in the current order of all things is going to come about over the next 5 years.  We should all open our eyes to see it's coming.

Well it's a new year and what should I expect?  Most likely more of the same.  It seems that the harder you try, the more everything stays the same.  Changes are subtle now.  What I need or want seems to be of no importance to anyone.  I had always heard "Life sucks... and then you die."  The older I get the more this seems to apply.  We all have needs and desires.  I think as we get older, we forget how to obtain these things. Or we become too afraid to try!

This year will be different.  I will seek out that which I desire and claim it with great passion.  I am a Scorpio, and yes, I am intense, passionate, and brooding.  I will once again take my place at the front of the line!

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